100% honest, this is not something I like to talk about.
No one likes to talk about depression.
Did you know that 1 in 5 women will suffer from a postpartum mood disorder? That's a HUGE number. And I'm a part of that number.
Sadly there's a stigma associated with depression, anxiety and other mood disorders. Honestly it's very hard to understand it unless you've been through it. Depression isn't just feeling sad like many people believe. Anxiety isn't just being stressed out or worried like many people believe.
Depression and anxiety have been a part of my life forever. When I was younger I suffered from panic attacks, and I remember someone asking "well what are you panicking about??" But that's the thing...I didn't know what was causing it!! It doesn't work like that. I was on medication to help with the depression and panic attacks. I still struggled off and on, but through occasional counseling paired with lifestyle changes, I was able to manage it. I experienced firsthand how exercise truly is the best antidepressant. Taking care of my body through working out, eating right, reading, focusing on my mindset, and surrounding myself with the right kind of people made a world of difference.
But this pregnancy and postpartum period proved to be more than I could handle on my own. I talked to my midwife while I was pregnant, and she suggested a low dose antidepressant. I REALLY didn't want to take medication, so I insisted on trying counseling first. I went two times, then I quit. That's the thing about depression, even though it feels so incredibly lonely, reaching out is the the most difficult thing. I know I'm starting to get depressed when I stop wanting to talk to anyone. I completely pull away. I was very, very depressed during the first and third trimesters of this pregnancy. The things I love no longer brought me joy. I only wanted to be alone. There were times I was barely even functioning. I should've taken the help. I should've been honest with my midwife. I should've kept going to counseling.
Things got better after the babe was born, and everything was great for a few weeks. I felt amazing!! But then it started happening again. The feelings of hopelessness, the emptiness, the irritablility, the feeling that I was completely alone. The endless "what ifs" that come along with anxiety and are enough to drive you crazy. I felt like I was always mad, sad, or scared. Those are the only things I could feel. I finally realized that I HAD to get help. If not for me, then for the sake of my family. I needed to get better for them.
Talking to the therapist about this stuff was SO.HARD. No one wants to admit they're depressed. No one wants to admit that they have two beautiful blessings at home and still can't seem to feel happy. No one wants to talk about the intrusive thoughts that come along with anxiety...because that stuff can legit make you feel like you've lost your mind. But to my relief, she told me that SO many women experience these same things, and that I was describing the classic signs of postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD. (I didn't even know postpartum OCD was a thing).
Between my therapist and midwife we came up with a plan to help me through this time. I'm not back to feeling like myself yet, but it's getting better.
I don't like to talk about this because I don't want people to view me differently. I don't want people to see me as weak, or negative, or crazy, or whatever...(I know, I shouldn't care). But I'm talking about it because I want other moms to know that it's ok. It's ok to admit you're struggling and it's OK to ask for help (please ask for help!!). Having been on both sides of it, I wish I would've asked for help sooner. My family needs me to be ok, and yours needs you to be ok. Taking care of ourselves is part of taking care of our families. The best thing you can give them is a happy, healthy you.
